Quest for beauty

I always had a perfect little body then came high school. I have gained so much weight i can barely look in the mirror anymore. No matter how much weight i lose i still don't feel good. Yes, am anorexic. I turned 18 but am still quite far from my goal weight. I have a feeling i will always do this. I stare at skinny girls in envy wishing i was them. I stare at myself in the mirror and end up sobbing. Its so difficult. Happiness will come when i can stop eating completely. But lately, food has become a drug. This has to stop. I can't go back to being the fat huge pig i once was, otherwise i could end up killing myself. I want to find a way to numb the pain but i don't know how. I want to perfect my emptiness. Isn't emptiness purity afterall. I want to lower myself below 99 ibs maybe then i will be happy. I want to be tiny. I want to find a man who will love me. I can't allow someone to love me when i hate myself. I am so tired of being alone but i deserve to suffer. I lacked self control once and let myself gain so much weight. Well, that will never happen again. I have to have control. I want to find myself. I know am somewhere under all this disgusting fat. I want to be happy. I am tired of being hit on by pigs because am one of them. They say perfection can't be achieved but how would they know if they've never tried. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. How many times have i tried to convince myself that i don't need ana? Who am i fooling. Ana will probably ruin my life but its a worthwhile way of living. I'll be really skinny. I'll be perfect. I want to disappear. I want to weigh absolutely nothing. I don't want to die but i don't want to live like this either. I will starve off the parts i don't need. I know pro ana is bullshit. Anorexia is not a fucking lifestyle, its a bloody disease and it kills. But right now what else do i have. I hate wearing clothes that don't fit. I hate never removing my sweater when it's hot. I hate never being happy. I hate myself. I just want one moment when it can all stop. My life is now dictated by food diaries, pro ana tips and tricks. The mantras don't help. I love watching thinspo most especially couple thinspo. It gives me hope. I am so empty right now! I need something to cling on to.