When will i face myself

Campus life

Life is so fucking hard. I am so tired of being made fun of. I lived so long on my own and never realized how big i had grown. I can't go on this way. Being compared to my roommate and her friends who are basically a size nothing. My eating habits have changed drastically, its so hard to restrict on campus. I've gained even more weight. I am not going to cry anymore. I want to lose the maximum weight possible in the next month before the next semester starts. I want to wear what i want, look good in photos. Goddammit i want to be happy. It was so much easier when i was tiny. I want to be like that again.

Honestly, its not easy. All i do is think about food all the time. I stare at skinny girls all the time in envy wishing i was them. Sometimes i stare at myself in the mirror and end up sobbing. I was once happy when i was skinny. My mum hated that i was so thin but i loved it. Now i'm so overweight, so bloody obese i'm just a freakin disgusting lump of lard. She always tells me that i look good. But isn't that what mothers are meant to do. I'm done lying to myself. The truth is am a fat disgusting person that no one will ever love. I'm such a fatass. Why can't i just stop eating. You don't deserve food. I don't deserve food, i don't deserve anything. They say perfection can't be achieved but how would they know if they never tried. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. How many times have i created pro ana blogs and deleted them. How many times have i tried to convince myself that i don't need her. Who am i fooling. Ana will probably ruin my life but it will be worth it in the end. I just want to be happy.

Confusion

Through prayer, fasting and meditation i will drop below 100 pounds, the dreaded three digits. I want to be 99 or nothing. Want? Did i say want? I shouldn't say want. I shouldn't say shouldn't. You're confused?... I'm trying to eliminate my ego but that action is ego itself, all action is ego, are you following me. I'm not here with a mirror and a scale for my own good.

I never belonged anywhere and that's why i live in a world of my own. My fantasies are so vivid, they're like a lucid dream. I can control everything. I can be whomever i want to be. I can do whatever i want and have anything or anyone i desire. But its all just fantasy. I'm trying to create a reality where i can be myself; in future that is. I have had very few people in my life. I know i love my mum and my brother but thats it i dnt love anyone else not even myself. Sometimes i can't stand them bcoz am never myself around them. I am so tired of lying but the truth would hurt them so bad. I want to be left alone. Each time i look in the mirror i see a stranger. I was once beautiful, intelligent and so full of life. I can't control anything anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want to love myself oncemore and to let others love me.