Honestly, its not easy. All i do is think about food all the time. I stare at skinny girls all the time in envy wishing i was them. Sometimes i stare at myself in the mirror and end up sobbing. I was once happy when i was skinny. My mum hated that i was so thin but i loved it. Now i'm so overweight, so bloody obese i'm just a freakin disgusting lump of lard. She always tells me that i look good. But isn't that what mothers are meant to do. I'm done lying to myself. The truth is am a fat disgusting person that no one will ever love. I'm such a fatass. Why can't i just stop eating. You don't deserve food. I don't deserve food, i don't deserve anything. They say perfection can't be achieved but how would they know if they never tried. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. How many times have i created pro ana blogs and deleted them. How many times have i tried to convince myself that i don't need her. Who am i fooling. Ana will probably ruin my life but it will be worth it in the end. I just want to be happy.

Confusion

Through prayer, fasting and meditation i will drop below 100 pounds, the dreaded three digits. I want to be 99 or nothing. Want? Did i say want? I shouldn't say want. I shouldn't say shouldn't. You're confused?... I'm trying to eliminate my ego but that action is ego itself, all action is ego, are you following me. I'm not here with a mirror and a scale for my own good.

I never belonged anywhere and that's why i live in a world of my own. My fantasies are so vivid, they're like a lucid dream. I can control everything. I can be whomever i want to be. I can do whatever i want and have anything or anyone i desire. But its all just fantasy. I'm trying to create a reality where i can be myself; in future that is. I have had very few people in my life. I know i love my mum and my brother but thats it i dnt love anyone else not even myself. Sometimes i can't stand them bcoz am never myself around them. I am so tired of lying but the truth would hurt them so bad. I want to be left alone. Each time i look in the mirror i see a stranger. I was once beautiful, intelligent and so full of life. I can't control anything anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want to love myself oncemore and to let others love me.

I haven't blogged in a while. I have started gaining weight again.

Quest for beauty

I always had a perfect little body then came high school. I have gained so much weight i can barely look in the mirror anymore. No matter how much weight i lose i still don't feel good. Yes, am anorexic. I turned 18 but am still quite far from my goal weight. I have a feeling i will always do this. I stare at skinny girls in envy wishing i was them. I stare at myself in the mirror and end up sobbing. Its so difficult. Happiness will come when i can stop eating completely. But lately, food has become a drug. This has to stop. I can't go back to being the fat huge pig i once was, otherwise i could end up killing myself. I want to find a way to numb the pain but i don't know how. I want to perfect my emptiness. Isn't emptiness purity afterall. I want to lower myself below 99 ibs maybe then i will be happy. I want to be tiny. I want to find a man who will love me. I can't allow someone to love me when i hate myself. I am so tired of being alone but i deserve to suffer. I lacked self control once and let myself gain so much weight. Well, that will never happen again. I have to have control. I want to find myself. I know am somewhere under all this disgusting fat. I want to be happy. I am tired of being hit on by pigs because am one of them. They say perfection can't be achieved but how would they know if they've never tried. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. How many times have i tried to convince myself that i don't need ana? Who am i fooling. Ana will probably ruin my life but its a worthwhile way of living. I'll be really skinny. I'll be perfect. I want to disappear. I want to weigh absolutely nothing. I don't want to die but i don't want to live like this either. I will starve off the parts i don't need. I know pro ana is bullshit. Anorexia is not a fucking lifestyle, its a bloody disease and it kills. But right now what else do i have. I hate wearing clothes that don't fit. I hate never removing my sweater when it's hot. I hate never being happy. I hate myself. I just want one moment when it can all stop. My life is now dictated by food diaries, pro ana tips and tricks. The mantras don't help. I love watching thinspo most especially couple thinspo. It gives me hope. I am so empty right now! I need something to cling on to.

Quest for beauty

YAY

I started this blog today. At least i have somewhere i can write all i feel. my diary is no longer safe. Today i tried purging but i couldn't. i think i am better off restricting. my ultimate goal weight is 103 Ibs by my 18th  birthday.